sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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