I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize