There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm way too hungover for life right now
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