Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize