Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
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I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
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Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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