hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
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Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
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