Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
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Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
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What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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