K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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