I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
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She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
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We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize