Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
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HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
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he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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