just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
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Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
COCAINE IS GR8
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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