I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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