just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
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I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
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Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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