it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize