no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I am spending my child support on dildos
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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