Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
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Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
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Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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