So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I feel like death gave me a hand job
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize