WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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