I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
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i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
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For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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