i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
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Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
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and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
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