I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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