I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
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Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
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My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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