No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
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I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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