I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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