I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
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I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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