She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
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I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
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You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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