Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
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She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
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"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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