The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
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She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
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I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
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