sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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