Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
please come you make the beer taste better
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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