it was like eating out sand paper
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
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There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
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I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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