Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
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