sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
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One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
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When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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