Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
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He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
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I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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