The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
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