He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
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The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
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If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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