I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize