Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
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You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
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I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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