There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
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We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
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also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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