my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
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I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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