Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
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I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
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What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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