I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
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You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
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