my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
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I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
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I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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