I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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