What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
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Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
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Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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