I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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