I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
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Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
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Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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