She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
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yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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