I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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