If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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