Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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